The South Park Letters
by LilyRosette
Summary: The residents of South Park discover FanFiction. And they're not exactly thrilled with what they find. So they've taken it upon themselves to let all the authors know just what they think. (Rated T for cursing)
1. Kyle's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

After having the terrible misfortune of discovering your sick and twisted stories, I thought I would take it upon myself to give some feedback.

First and foremost: STOP PAIRING ME WITH CARTMAN!

For the love of god, I've never heard of anything so disgusting in my life! Not only is he a fat tub of lard who no one could ever be attracted to, but he's a racist, anti-semetic sociopath who still plays with dolls for crying out loud! I don't even know why I hang out with him. And if any of you think even for a second that I would so much as touch that fat fuck, then you need serious help.

It's not just Cartman that you people keep pairing me up with though. I also get paired up with Stan…A LOT! That is just wrong.

Yeah, Stan and I are best friends but why on earth does that have to mean that we're gay? Two guys can't be friends anymore?

Jesus Christ you people have issues.

I'm not even going to get into all the other (male) characters that I get paired up with.

I don't know why you people seem to think I'm gay! I'm not gay!

I had a girlfriend once…her name was Rebecca and I liked her a lot before she turned into a total slut and started kissing every guy in a two mile radius. Why don't any of you ever mention that?

But really…the idea of me being involved with anyone in that way (girls included) is just sick and perverted. I'm NINE for Christ's sake.

I think some of you might be part of NAMBLA or something (another reason that I fucking hate Cartman.)

So while the idea of me being with Bebe or something is admittedly more acceptable than me being with a dude (especially Cartman) I don't particularly appreciate that either.

And another thing…I'm not ginger!

I don't know why so many people describe me that way! I don't even have freckles! I don't see Red getting described as being ginger and her hair's redder than mine.

That's it I guess.

I would really appreciate it if you'd stop writing these monstrosities though. They're giving me nightmares.

Oh, and just because I'm smart doesn't mean I'm a nerd.

Sincerely,

Kyle Broflovski


	2. Kenny's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

I don't know where to start.

Yes, I'm perverted. Everyone knows that. Heck, I have such a foul mouth that my voice has to be permanently muffled to get away with it.

But here's the thing…I'M NOT GAY! I love BOOBS! BOOBS! Guys do not have titties…except for Cartman but that's a whole different story.

I love TITTIES AND VAGINAS! When in the history of South Park have you ever heard me express any interest in a penis other than my own? That's sick!

Anyway, I can see where the whole man whore image comes from, but please keep in mind that I am only nine and even though I like sex and all that the only girlfriend I ever had was Tammy Warner and she wound up killing me so I don't exactly like her that much anymore.

There was also that Kelly chick but I died about two seconds into our relationship.

I get paired up with a lot of OCs which is fine I guess as long as they're chicks and they're hot but it's kind of odd that all these random girls suddenly just appear in South Park all the time. Give them bigger boobs and I won't mind as much.

And I don't think I'm really the type to put up with a ton of emo crap. Emo kids are weird and annoying and I really don't want anything to do with them, thanks.

And for fucks sake please don't make me one of them! I don't know if you've ever actually seen the show, but I'm one of the most cheerful, laid back characters on there. I'd appreciate it if you didn't portray me as a kid who just self harms all the time (when I'm not having sex with everything in sight that is.)

Another thing, my parents don't abuse me.

Yes I'm poor (Cartman never lets me forget it) and my parents are rednecks who drink a lot but they don't abuse me.

Stop giving me problems that I don't have! I have enough real ones as it is.

I do appreciate that you all seem to think I'm so good looking though. I don't know how you'd know that since I never show my face, but thanks all the same.

I'm off to go shave my balls now.

-Kenny McCormick


	3. Randy's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

What am I not good enough to be in your stories? I don't get any fanfiction written about me?

That's so unfair!

I would make a great character in a story! I mean, look at all the crazy and awesome things I've done. If anyone wants to know why their stories aren't more popular it's because I'm not in it!

So yeah…just try to remember how cool I am. Not that I want you to write a story about me. I totally don't. Whatever. But if you happened to…that'd be cool.

Also, my wife wants me to tell you to stop writing such perverted things about our son. He's only a child.

I mean really, if you're going to write gay stories about anyone it should be me! Remember "two guys naked in a hot tub"? Who was that episode about? Me! (I'm not gay though. That's just disgusting.)

A sex story about me and Sharon would be really great though. Why don't you people write any of those?

I guess I'm not cool enough for you though so I won't waste any more of your time.

-Randy Marsh


	4. Cartman's Letter

Dear lame-ass FanFiction writers,

Why in the name of Mel Gibson, Adolf Hitler and all that is holy do you all seem to think I'm a faggot?

And as if that weren't bad enough everyone seems to think I'm in love with Kyle. HAH! I hate that dirty Jew bastard. He's everything I despise. Yes, I told people that we were a gay couple ONCE but that was only to fuck him over so Token could be with that black girl. Blacks belong together.

I've tried on multiple occasions to kill Kyle, or at least get him to go somewhere I won't have to look at his dumb ginger face.

I repeat: I WANT TO KILL KYLE! Get that through your tiny pea-sized little brains! I'm seriously.

Also, Butters annoys the crap out of me. Anything I've done to him involving my balls or any other body part was meant to be at his expense. He's easy to push around but that doesn't by any means mean that I'm gay for him. God!

Why don't any of you ever write stories about how awesome I am? Like my adventures as the coon for example, making the world a better place for everyone. No one ever mentions that. It's always "ooh Cartman takes it in the ass and he loves Kyle and he's so fat and no one likes him."

All of that is just so untrue! First of all, as I've said many times I'm not fat, I'm big boned. Second, everyone likes me. I'm the coolest kid in school. Try to remember that.

Finally, I don't understand why anyone would want to pair me up with Wendy. I hate that stupid skank!

When it comes down to it, the only person I love is myself. So cut the crap! Or at least take me out to dinner because I like to be wined and dined before I get FUCKED!

Seriously you people need to see a psychiatrist or get laid or something.

Respect my authority,

-Eric Theodore Cartman


	5. Pip's Letter

Cheerio FanFiction writers,

I don't mean to be rude, but I simply don't understand why you all seem to think I'm gay. In a lot of stories, Damien and I are in love, which is just silly because even if I was gay I wouldn't like him because he's not a very nice person. I mean, he set me on fire! But I'm not gay. Also, I'm dead. So I don't mean to offend you but it's not very realistic that I'm somehow in all your stories as a teenager. I was crushed by mecha-striesand when I was 9.

Good day,

Pip Pirrup


	6. Stan's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

Why? Seriously dude, why would you even come up with the things you come up with?

I know I'm super cool and everything, but seriously you're really dicking me over here. Why am I the one who gets the most shit written about him? Why do you all seem to think I'm gay for Kyle? I'm not. I've been dating Wendy since I was 8 incase you forgot.

For that matter, I'm not gay for anyone so stop writing about me like I'm some freaky little faggot.

While we're on the subject of how I get portrayed, I'm not freaking emo! You all seem to think I am and I honestly don't know why.

Yeah, sometimes I get depressed but who doesn't? I hung out with the goths ONE TIME when Wendy broke up with me but heartbreak makes you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do.

Look, please just stop it okay? It's seriously not cool. Oh, and quit making Wendy look like a shallow bitch. She isn't. She's my girlfriend and honestly I'd be a lot less freaked out if there was more stuff about the two of us rather than all this gay shit.

If you're going to insist on writing about anyone in the insane town, I'd suggest writing about my dad. I've been listening to him complain about not having enough stories for days!

Jesus Christ dude,

-Stan Marsh


	7. Jimmy's Letter

D-dear F-fa-fanFiction writers,

I don't a-p-preciate my lack of presence in your stories very m-much. I know I'm h-ha-han-h-handicaped but I would still make a g-great character in a story very much.

So why aren't there any s-sto-stor-stories about me? I tell h-hilarious j-jo-jokes and am a really swell and t-teri-terrific g-guy.

Thank you for not wri-writing any g-ga-g-gay stories about me though. I am g-gra-grateful for that very much.

Wow, what a terrific audience.

-Jimmy Valmer


	8. Craig's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

My name is Craig Tucker. I have seen your stories about me and you guys are assholes. Reading your stories was worse than when those assholes Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny swindled me out of my birthday money and sent me to Peru.

I'm not gay. I like girls. And I don't know why you assholes keep pairing me with Tweek but you need to quit it. We're not even friends. That guy's an asshole.

If you could lay off the gay stuff and stop making me look like a jackass I would be sooo happy.

┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐.  
-Craig Tucker


	9. Tweek's Letter

Dear -ngh- Fanfiction writers,

Gah! Why are you writing about me? Are you watching me? You're watching me aren't you? Ngh-gah! Jesus Christ! You people are everywhere!

But if you are -ngh- going to write about me -gah- for the love of god stop -ngh- saying I'm gay! Why do you all think I'm gay?! Gah! Too much pressure!

I -gah- don't like Craig! He tried to -ngh- beat me up! You couldn't have picked a more -gah- unrealistic pairing. Except maybe Kyle and -ngh- Cartman. Which I have -gah- seen a lot of and I -ngh- didn't need to see any of that! Gah! I won't be able to sleep for months now!

I'd like it better if -gah- you stopped -ngh- writing about me altogether. It's too much pressure!

Stop following me! Leave me alone! Gah!

-Tweek Tweak


	10. Bebe's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

I sincerely don't know why you all seem to think I'm some sort of prostitute. Just because I was the first to get boobs doesn't mean I'm a slut. I like to think that I have a lot of admirable qualities and am a very nice and likeable person.

Why can't you focus on any of those things? What have I ever done to any of you?

Also, I have never done anything with Kenny McCormick and I never will. He is such a pervert!

Anyway, just try to be a little nicer, okay? How would you like it if there were a bunch of stories about you on the internet calling you a bitch and a whore? And if you are going to write about me, why can't I at least be the main character once in a while? Why do I always have to be the antagonist or the dumb slut whose only a minor character?

I mean, Wendy gets more stories just because she's dating Stan? That's not fair.

I am flattered that you all seem to think I'm so pretty though.

Hugs and kisses,

Bebe Stevens


	11. Wendy's Letter

Dear FanFiction writers,

I'm warning you now: do not fuck with me.

Stan is mine and nothing any of you write will change that. He isn't gay! Trust me he's not. So stop saying him and Kyle are in love or whatever. And please stop portraying me as a nasty, manipulative bitch. I get enough of that from Cartman.

Speaking of which, for the love of god STOP PAIRING ME WITH HIM! I have never hated anyone as much as I hate that fat piece of shit. He's sexist, racist, incredibly stupid and only cares about himself! Why would anyone like someone like that?

Okay, I thought I was attracted to him for like a day but that was sexual tension from working together for a long time and I got over it immediately!

Look, even though I did date Token for a while, Stan is the only one for me.

Frankly, I think you're all wasting your time anyway. What's the point of writing pointless stories about cartoon characters when you could be doing something meaningful like helping the environment?

More stories about me and Stan would be wonderful though.

Thanks,

-Wendy Testaburger


	12. Damien's Letter

Dear cursed FanFiction writers,

May you all burn in the seventh layer of hell and suffer under my father's reign for all eternity!

How dare you write such blasphemy about me: the prince of darkness, the son of Satan. I could turn you all into duck billed platypuses in two seconds.

So know this: I am not gay and for Satan's sake I am not in love with Pip! If I don't see these atrocities taken down immediately you will all pay!

(Additionally, I was only in one episode. Why are you all so obsessed with me? It's creepy and I don't like it.)

Die!

-Damien Thorne


	13. Butters's Letter

W-well hi there FanFiction writers,

It's me, Butters! I sure do appreciate you taking the time to write about me and all, but could you please stop saying I like boys? Well, my parents will ground me forever if they see any of that!

I've had a girlfriend, you know. Her name was Lexus. I sure did love her. So please stop saying Eric and I are-well doing whatever it is you think we're doing. That's just wrong! Eric is a mean old boy and I don't like him very much at all. Always pushing me around and whatnot.

And Kenny is my friend but I don't like him that way, by golly. I only like girls that way. Like Lexus. I sure do miss her.

Well that's all I guess. I sure would appreciate it if you could take down all that silly nonsense about me, though. I don't know what most of it means but I know my parents would be mighty sore with me if they were to see it.

See ya!

-Butters Stotch


End file.
